Refried Beans, Jalapeño Peppers, and How to Eat at All-Inclusive Resorts

"I bet I can eat refried beans and jalapeño peppers for 12 straight meals."

So did Spicy Food Guy toss out his "Cool Hand Luke" challenge to his family members, all of whom rolled their eyes and went back to enjoying the sun and warmth of the Riviera Maya.

As it turns out, Spicy Food Guy rather enjoyed the refried beans and jalapeño pepper challenge, though it became the bane of existence for those who had to share the same bathroom as SFG

Spicy Food Guy and his family were enjoying some quality time at the Occidental Grand Xcaret a couple months back.  In prior years, the SFG family had vacationed at the Grand Sirenis Riviera Maya.  All-Inclusive Resorts are hit and miss establishments when it comes to food.  A quick perusal of Tripadvisor.com will show reviews that range anywhere from "the resort had the most fabulous food ever and I gained 10 pounds" to "I couldn't find a single dish that wasn't undercooked and my husband ended up in the hospital with food poisoning."  But given that SFG has some experience in these types of resorts, he thought he'd provide some guidance to those vacationers that might be headed down for their first visit.

But first some setup; most of the food service offerings in all inclusive resorts work in the same general manner.  A grand buffet anchors most of the meals, the selection is huge, and you can eat there with no reservations for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Most evenings the grand buffet has a specific theme, such as seafood, Mexican, or Italian.  In addition to the buffet, most resorts offer pool side lunch cafe's where you can get standard lunch fare -- tacos, burgers, pizza, hot dogs, nachos, that sort of thing.  Finally, all the resorts will have anywhere from two to five standalone dinner restaurants that require reservations and have some sort of dress code.  The restaurants range anywhere from Japanese to Mediterranean to Steakhouses.  Finally, most places offer some limited version of room service.

So how in the hell do you decide where to go and what to eat?  As I said, Spicy Food Guy is here to help.
  
Tip 1 -- Go big on breakfast. First, it doesn't take much to prepare a fairly elegant breakfast, and most resorts do a terrific job of setting up a nice brunch-like atmosphere.  A good omelet, prepared in front of you with your ingredients of choice, is always a great way to start the day.  And because most resorts are located in sunny warm environments, there is almost always a broad selection of fresh fruit.  The kids can enjoy cereal, scrambled eggs, or french toast.  Spicy Food Guy generally steers away from bacon and sausages, mostly because they always appear to be undercooked.  Plus, making breakfast the big meal of the day gives you at least a remote chance of burning off some calories before day's end.

Tip 2 -- Go local.  Shockingly, the best food in most Mexican resorts is, well, Mexican.  It's what they know.  The pica de gallo is always fresh and delicious.  The refried beans are outstanding.  Tinga Pueblana, Mexican pulled pork, practically melts in your mouth.  It always cracks Spicy Food Guy to read a tripadvisor.com review that says "We were really disappointed with the food at the Italian restaurant in the resort".  Really?  You were?  Spicy Food Guy is always soooo tempted to leave a comment like "No shit, bright eyes, Italy was located on another damn continent last time I checked.  Of course the Italian food sucks in Mexico.  Dumbass."  But SFG never writes this, he just thinks it.

Tip 3 -- Lunch 1 and Lunch 2.  This is a food strategy that was developed by Independent Thinking Stepdaughter of SFG (ITSOSFG).  Most of the poolside lunch cafe's are open from about 11:30 to 2:30, and they are jam packed from 12:15 to about 1:30.  So ITSOSFG came up with the brilliant idea of having a smallish lunch around 11:30 when the crowds were light and the food had just been set out, and then repeating the process at about 2:00.  Lunch 1 and lunch 2.  Helps stop binge eating, you get a quiet lunch, and really fast service.  Brilliant.

Tip 4 -- Avoid shellfish.  Admittedly, this is kind of a no-brainer.  The chances of getting food poisoning from shellfish, especially when served raw, is well documented and known.  Now Spicy Food Guy loves oysters, but he is not about to risk a spending a sunny day in the Riviera Maya vomiting in his bathroom.  Just stay away from the shellfish.

Tip 5 -- Straight from the bottle.  We all know American and European tummies don't always handle Mexican water very well.  So avoid it.  Drink water from water bottles.  Drink beer or soda poured from a bottle.  And is there anything finer than the thoughtful, well timed tequila shot?  Spicy Food Guy thinks not.

Spicy Food Guy hopes you enjoy your trip, and he highly recommends the jalapeño peppers and refried beans.  Peace out, Amigos.

SFG Answers the "Red Chile Sauce Versus Green Chile Sauce" Debate

There are debates so fundamental in nature that, when resolved, will unravel those mysteries that represent the very fabric of the universe. These debates are so critical that the fates of living worlds lie in the balance. You know the questions: 1) does string theory represent the key to unlocking grand unification in the field of physics, 2) is the designated hitter an abomination to the game of baseball, and 3) is red chile sauce or green chile sauce the best topping for huevos rancheros?

By the way, the answers are yes, yes, and red chile sauce (but just barely). Is Spicy Food Guy good, or what? He is the Judge Judy of quantum physics and the culinary judicial system. You set 'em up, SFG will knock 'em down.

Lest you think Spicy Food Guy did not apply critical analysis to the red chile sauce versus green chile sauce debate, consider the picture above. SFG prepared a plate of rancheros: flour tortilla topped with refried beans, two fried eggs (over easy), jalapeno peppers, and white cheddar and monterey jack cheese. He topped half of this delectable dish with New Mexican Red Chile Sauce, and half with New Mexican Green Chile Sauce. Spicy Food Guy is also the modern day Solomon of culinary justice; split it in half and the truth will come forth. But does the end result look like the best breakfast ever, or what?

The contest was, in racing terms, a photo finish. The green chile sauce had a tad more authenticity and the better texture. The red chile sauce had a more pleasing and complex flavor; some sweetness and smokiness with a lick of garlic and onions -- with the right amount of heat. And the red color made a more arresting visual presentation, for you uptight foodie types that care about that sort of thing.

The debate is over, the question is answered. Red chile sauce by a nose. So says Spicy Food Guy.

Terrific New Mexican Green Chile Sauce for Homemade Huevos Rancheros

Time was, if you wanted some Huevos Rancheros with honest to God New Mexican Red or Green Chile Sauce, you had to fly across the country and saddle up to a rusty diner stool in some dusty southwestern state.

That is, until Kera Fresquez and her Mom decided to introduce a line of New Mexican Chile Sauces to the unfulfilled masses. According to the website, My Favorite New Mexican Food Sauces have won about 40 different sauce awards. Spicy Food Guy is totally not surprised.

Fact is, Spicy Food Guy uses the Green Chile Sauce liberally on his fried eggs, combining the requisite tortilla and refried beans to make the perfect homemade Huevos Rancheros.

Authentic stuff, not to be missed by spicy food lovers. Just another public service announcement brought to you by Spicy Food Guy.

Best Wet Burrito in an Unexpected Place

For reasons best left unexplained to the general public, Spicy Food Guy found himself in Grand Rapids, Michigan this past week.

A culinary mystery, that Grand Rapids. Two Mexican cafes or restaurants per block, all promoting their burritos. Makes no sense whatsoever. It'd be like being in some random small town in Mexico and discovering authentic Philly Cheese Steak establishments on every corner. That being said, Spicy Food Guy delighted in the murky mystery that led to this peculiar juxtaposition of ethnic food preferences. Sometimes, we just don't know how it happened. Grand Rapids. A love for Burritos. Black holes. Dark matter. There is much we do not understand.

The wet burrito was also a new concept for Spicy Food Guy. Technically, a wet burrito is a standard burrito slathered in melted cheese and red Chile sauce. Who'da guessed? Then, Former Grand Rapids Resident Friend of Spicy Food Guy (FGRRFOSFG), discovering that SFG was on his way to Michigan, begged, pleaded, and cajoled SFG into trying a wet burrito at the location where they call their wet burritos "famous", the Beltline Bar.

Spicy Food Guy loved his famous wet burrito at the Beltline Bar. Mexican authentic, no. Distinctly Midwest American Mexican, yes. That's what makes it scrumptious. Ground beef, not shredded beef. No rice to be found. Lettuce and tomato and onions inside the burrito, not served on the side. Melted cheese outside the burrito. Fattening as all get out. Worth the trip. Spicy Food Guy is filled and content.

Best Place to get Huevos Rancheros

Huevos rancheros is a kind of holy grail to Spicy Food Guy. After all, it is the classic combination of all things Spicy Food Guy holds dear -- big breakfast, hot peppers, refried beans (Spicy Food Guy loves refried beans), a diner, and fried eggs. Add a hot waitress, Spicy Food Guy has found heaven.

For Spicy Food Guy's money, the best of the best huevos rancheros are found at the Blue Moon Cafe in Sedona, Arizona. The rancheros are hearty, spicy enough to make Spicy Food Guy's eyes water (which is rare indeed), and they have comic books for the kids, which keeps them from flinging forks at other diners (always a plus). Add a view of the redrocks and the strange Minnesota accent of the food servers in the desert of Arizona, and you have a world class dining experience.

If you are more of an urban sort, one of those pretentious manhattanites that refers to middle America as the "fly-over states", all hope is not lost for you. At least as breakfast goes. You too can find decent rancheros at Norma's in Le Parker Meridien on 57th Street. Of course, you also get a free smoothie in a shot glass, but you will pay $7.00 for orange juice and $5.00 for coffee. Serves your ass right for calling us the "fly-over states". Maybe hope is lost for you, but Spicy food Guy does not judge.